Laying in a hospital bed with my cell phone after having just had emergency surgery the night before. My then boyfriend on the other line saying, “Do you think you can have your friend Richard pick you up from the hospital, I am just too busy.” What I was hearing was “Jill, I am not the right guy for you and you should break up with me right now and find someone worthy of your greatness.” I admit it, I was crushed.
I work with a lot of woman on ending bad relationships and in almost all bad relationship stories I hear that there was a moment right in the beginning–usually within the first three dates– where they were told in words or actions that this person was not the right one for them, but they chose to ignore it. Phrases like:
“I don’t think I ever want to get married again.”
“I don’t really want a committed relationship right now”
“I already have a (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife), but you fascinate me.”
“I don’t think I could ever be completely faithful to just one person.”
“I have two children and don’t want more.” This is said to someone who either doesn’t want step children or to someone who wants children of their own.
Or my personal favorite, “I have X problem (anxiety disorder, anger management issues, jealousy issues) that damaged or destroyed a prior relationship and it was (insert ex-partner’s name) fault.
For most people, the ones I have listed should be red flag and run for your life issues, but in the beginning of a relationship a person might think, “Well, this isn’t serious. I’m dating this person for fun; obviously they are not marriage material.” Yet six months down the road when they are now hooked, those deal breakers haven’t gone away, the person has just gotten more attached and it’s harder to get out.
Pay attention to the first few dates and watch for those warning signed those moments when they clearly told you “I am NOT marriage material” or “I am not good enough for you” and just know that there is someone out there who is. It may not seem like it, but there are plenty of fish in the sea and you are entitled to have the very best.
By the way, I did break up with the boyfriend to busy to pick me up from the hospital and you know what!? I a year later I married my best friend Richard who took me home that day and we have been happy ever since. I want that for you too, you deserve it and Trust me, it is worth waiting for.
Love yourself enough to “Just say no” to anything less than what is good for you. You are so very important to the world, treat yourself that way.
Jill Thomas CCHT
Soul Connect Hypnotherapy
Encinitas, CA 92024